All throughout my childhood and early adulthood, I have grappled with the profound sense of not being enough for those around me. Longing for that deeper level of connection and community and always falling short. Feeling as if no matter how much I give, my love will never be reciprocated. Eager to feel seen, and understood, I molded myself to fit perceived expectations, sacrificing my authenticity for approval.
Being present but never really feeling present.
I entered a chapter in my life where I became envious of people who were naturally gifted at making friends and being conversationalists. I just couldn’t compare, I was the quiet, shy, and awkward girl. And I felt like that’s all I could ever be. The friends I did have were great for the moment, but my soul was longing for deeper connection. Connection that scratched more than the surface level of talking about work or high school drama. I wanted to know their dreams, fears, values, and worldview. I wanted friends who WANTED to know ME.
My friendships seemed fleeting, like grains of sand slipping behind the lingering trace of unexpressed solitude. Despite my efforts, friends departed, leaving me with a hollow echo of my attempts to be everything to everyone. I was giving so much of myself just to still feel empty inside. I realized that I needed to have expectations for my friendships just like I do for relationships. But also understanding I can’t be everything to everyone and they can’t be everything to me.
I learned to not place my importance or happiness on other people. It has to come from within.
That moment of raw vulnerability forced me to commit to my own- self discovery and self acceptance. It sparked a commitment to unveil my genuine self hidden beneath layers of pretense. Today, this chapter remains etched in the lines of my identity, a reminder that true connections flourish only when rooted in the soil of authenticity.
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Xoxo SS
